Bolivion

Last Man Standing...

Sometimes I think I put too much pressure on myself. Or maybe, in the long run, its not enough.

Sometimes I feel alone in this. I know you are born alone, and usually, people die alone, and its nice to know that there are people feeling what you're going through, especially if they are peers too.

But what if you are the only one in your family?

Now I kind of understand what those kids that are the first ones in their families to go to college go through. Not totally, since that isn't quite my situation, but I'm feeling it.

I mean in my generation of my family, its like I am the only one with a legitimate shot of doing something great. My moms didn't have anymore children, but I grew up with a group of 5 cousins (all 2nd). I am the oldest by 7 months, then there's V., S. and D. (5 yrs from me), N. (6) and J. (9). N. is the only girl.

It's so funny how things can happen so fast. In a span of 4 years, I lost D. to 5 bullets in the back. He was 20. Then last year I lost S. in jail to stomach cancer. He was 23. N. has at least 2 kids and is like 100 hours from a Cosmetology license. V. is marrying some woman with 13 (yes I said 13) kids. Add those to the 3 by 3 different baby-mommas. And J. is just about to turn 20 next week, so he still has a shot, but he a daddy now too.

Which leaves yours truly, struggling to get a bachelors while fighting eviction, probation and unemployment. That must be a formual for success, as I am working on my first 4.0 semester ever.

I guess the best way to deal with it is to think about how proud they would be if I did make it. Kinda like Mike when his trainer died, but he still went on to become the youngest heavyweight champion ever. (No, there won't be Tyson references in every post, but in some... )

Mkay, I'm goin to bed...

Posted by maximillian at November 27, 2002 01:07 AM